Monday was my 32nd birthday. Every year, someone different asks "Do you feel XX years old?" and I usually give some cliche respone such as having been told I have a mental age of about 12. But after giving some thought, I don't really think I've ever felt my age. For one thing, I've never minded getting older, seeing that number get higher and higher. I love my birthdays as usually it's a pretty fun time for me. But I have no idea how to associate the person that I am with the number 32, or more importantly why I even should.
I think a good question to ask is what are things we use as indicators of age? Certainly maturity and body condition are probably the biggest two. Beyond that, I'm sure some people out there would say financial status although I disagree. No, I think that's it: maturity and body condition.
#1) Maturity. This is simple. I know people over 60 that are less mature than other people I know that are still in high school. For the most part, with age comes maturity. But there are so many exceptions to the rule that I cannot allow myself to correlate my maturity level with a number such as the number of years I have been alive.
#2) Phsical Condition. Again, this is so subjective that I can't be bothered trying to plot my physical condition on an age chart. I know a lot of people my age that are in better shape than me, and a lot that are in worse shape. Am I in better shape than 95% of 80-year olds? Sure. OK, so I feel great telling you I feel less than 80.
So how then can I possibly tell you how old I feel and have it actually mean anything? And what possibly could be my point in all of this? You're in luck because I'm going to tell you starting next sentence. With respect to most things in life, your age means about as much as a bowling alley with no pins. What does matter is how you live and how you approach life. Are you mature? If not, how come? If you think you are, what are the traits in yourself that lead you to be mature? And regarding physical condition, do you take care of your body? Do you completely neglect it? Diet and exercise.....sounds so simple but it takes more discipline than I personally have given it.
Perhaps one reason that I've never minded my birthday rolling around, even when I turned 30, is that separation I feel between age and self. It's a lot easier to celebrate turning 30, 40, 50 when there is a disconnect in one's mind between the number and the person. I don't necessarily subscribe to this thinking, but just for the sake of throwing it out there, perhaps the less we feel tied to our ages the more gracefully we seem to age. For example, someone who is 50 no doubt feels some sort of signs of aging. Now say their memory was altered and they were suddenly led to believe they were 40, or even 30. Would they change in any way? There is one way I could see this making a difference in someone's life. I think people probably tend to accept certain trends about age and therefore accept those things in themselves, even if they don't like them. For instance many 50-year olds have developed a bit of a gut or spare tire, and a person who is 50 may come to accept theirs as common and simply part of being 50 while if they believed they were 30 maybe they'd reject this and do something about having a few too many pounds.
It always strikes me in a funny way when people don't like revealing their ages. I'd understand if their deal was that people have certain assumptions about different ages. But most often I think the person is embarassed because they are the ones with those assumptions about age.
Ultimately, I will always have my age around. Perhaps as I approach middle age (whatever that is??) and beyond, maybe the number will affect me more, but I certainly don't plan on it. For now I simply could care less what my age is or anyone else's for that matter. It's merely a man-made concept. But at least it's useful for knowing that a 21-year is completely responsible with alcohol and a 20-year old can't be trusted within 10 miles of a pint of beer or glass of wine.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Friday, April 3, 2009
A Message from Baxter the Horse
Hello there. My name is Baxter. I am a big horse. I live in Cumberland, Rhode Island. I’m writing to you because I think many of you are misinformed about horses. I live with 13 other horses in a stable owned by an older man and his family. Most of the horses here are owned by other people who keep their horses here. I belong to the family here at the farm. I have lived here all my life, 12 human years.
Until several years ago, I thought the humans took care of us but weren’t the ones responsible for us being here. But then I’ll never forget the day when Chive, an old horse that had just arrived from Illinois when he told me that he had learned the humans were actually responsible for us being here. Chive had more knowledge than any horse I had ever met. He taught us that many years ago, us horses were used to help humans and their things get around quicker. But then the time came when cars replaced horses, and we were no longer needed for our speed or our ability to pull wagons. Life as a horse is quite different now. Our biggest thrill now is being ridden or played with several hours here and there. It’s fun time, but only because the rest of the time is spent standing around. How often do you drive by a stable and see us standing around looking bored out of our minds? Well we’re certainly not faking it.
Where I think the misunderstanding that comes into play is that humans see that we enjoy our time with them and think we must love our lives the way they are. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Our time playing with humans breaks up the monotony of an otherwise boring and pointless life. Back in the days of horses being used for travel, horses were captive just like we are now, but having a real purpose must have given them some sense of worth. All of us horses get along well enough, but there’s only so happy a horse can be when in captivity. And there’s only so much fun a group of horses can have when they’re all depressed. Most horses have come to accept life as it is nowadays, but I still dream of running free. Another horse here at the stable, Hadley, spoke of horses like us that run free and aren’t controlled by humans. It seems hard to believe, but it also seems this is how things should be. I would forgive the humans for what they did to our species in the beginning. At least there was a practical reason they had for wanting our help. But without a purpose, our imprisonment is unjust and immoral. And I get mad at myself every time I let myself have fun with the ones responsible for taking away our freedom. But I can’t seem to change because to give up that fun is to give up the only time I ever have that makes me forget that I’m a prisoner.
I wish people would realize what they have done to us horses, as well as many other species of animals. I learned about cows and how there aren’t any cows that run free at all. I don’t even think they are a species anymore, having gone extinct when the last wild cow died. They are merely become a product now, used for milk and (gulp) meat. While I doubt there are many left, at least I can still dream about the horses that have no boundaries, no fences. Running free wherever they choose, exploring. Drinking from a stream, running along the ocean feeling the salt water cover my hooves as it comes and goes. That is my wish. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable wish. I just wish for the same thing America holds as its core guiding principle….freedom.
Until several years ago, I thought the humans took care of us but weren’t the ones responsible for us being here. But then I’ll never forget the day when Chive, an old horse that had just arrived from Illinois when he told me that he had learned the humans were actually responsible for us being here. Chive had more knowledge than any horse I had ever met. He taught us that many years ago, us horses were used to help humans and their things get around quicker. But then the time came when cars replaced horses, and we were no longer needed for our speed or our ability to pull wagons. Life as a horse is quite different now. Our biggest thrill now is being ridden or played with several hours here and there. It’s fun time, but only because the rest of the time is spent standing around. How often do you drive by a stable and see us standing around looking bored out of our minds? Well we’re certainly not faking it.
Where I think the misunderstanding that comes into play is that humans see that we enjoy our time with them and think we must love our lives the way they are. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Our time playing with humans breaks up the monotony of an otherwise boring and pointless life. Back in the days of horses being used for travel, horses were captive just like we are now, but having a real purpose must have given them some sense of worth. All of us horses get along well enough, but there’s only so happy a horse can be when in captivity. And there’s only so much fun a group of horses can have when they’re all depressed. Most horses have come to accept life as it is nowadays, but I still dream of running free. Another horse here at the stable, Hadley, spoke of horses like us that run free and aren’t controlled by humans. It seems hard to believe, but it also seems this is how things should be. I would forgive the humans for what they did to our species in the beginning. At least there was a practical reason they had for wanting our help. But without a purpose, our imprisonment is unjust and immoral. And I get mad at myself every time I let myself have fun with the ones responsible for taking away our freedom. But I can’t seem to change because to give up that fun is to give up the only time I ever have that makes me forget that I’m a prisoner.
I wish people would realize what they have done to us horses, as well as many other species of animals. I learned about cows and how there aren’t any cows that run free at all. I don’t even think they are a species anymore, having gone extinct when the last wild cow died. They are merely become a product now, used for milk and (gulp) meat. While I doubt there are many left, at least I can still dream about the horses that have no boundaries, no fences. Running free wherever they choose, exploring. Drinking from a stream, running along the ocean feeling the salt water cover my hooves as it comes and goes. That is my wish. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable wish. I just wish for the same thing America holds as its core guiding principle….freedom.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
The Battle for Control: Parents vs. Children
It's nearing six years that I've worked at the bowling alley. Over these six years, I've had the opportunity to see billions of children and billions of parents. Normally, I don’t usually making sweeping generalizations about people because I feel a large sample size is needed before you can make a credible judgment call about something as complex as human beings. That being said, it's safe for me to say based on all that I've seen at the alley that good parenting yields good kids, and bad parenting makes for children with issues. I've also noticed that you can tell what kind of parent someone is simply by watching them with their kid for 30 minutes in a bowling alley. And in most cases, it's usually a case of who controls whom, and when the parents are in control, how they keep that control. Of course, the balance of control in parent-child relationship isn't exactly a simple thing. However it usually takes about 2 seconds to notice who the "pack leader" is, and another second or two to digest how that person maintains their dominance.
Case in point. Parent and 4-year old are bowling for 30 minutes. Nothing really stands out until the lane gets shut off at the end of the time, at which time the kid decides to start fake crying. I'm too far away to hear what the fuss is about, but right away the parent comes up and virtually pleads for us to give them an extra few minutes so the child can bowl 2 or 3 extra frames. Meanwhile the child has stopped fake crying and is intently watching the parent to see what comes next. I ask if they are trying to finish a certain game, and the parent says they aren't even keeping score, but he/she promised their child two last turns. At this point, I offer them another 15 minutes for $7, and generally they accept. Either way, the kid usually ends up fake-crying again, either at the end of the extra time or because they didn't get their way. The parent gets the kid to stop crying though, because after their apology doesn't work, promising they will go for ice cream instead does the trick.
This is just one example. Kids run around the alley like it's playground as their parents watch on. Kids run down the lanes almost to the pins before I get on the loudspeaker and yell for them to come back, the parents having not noticed because they were busy chatting amongst themselves. Parents trading in their child's bowling shoes 3 times, and then when I ask why they keep asking for the same size each time, they tell me the kid doesn't like the style of the other ones. I could go on and on.
There is just as much to notice about the good parents and children. I often see families in which the kids are polite and respectful, both to their parents and to us workers. They abide by the rules of their parents and the alley. They accept when their time is done and are happy because they had a great time. Their parents are content, relaxed, and happy. They appreciate what they are doing instead of trying to manipulate their parents into getting a little more of everything. I believe this comes from good parenting, mutual respect and a balance of control.
What’s most important here isn't the examples, it's the lessons to be learned…. Giving your child a treat (like going bowling) should be enough of a treat. Spoiling a kid makes them undisciplined and makes you miserable. Making them happy at all times will yield the opposite over time. Children respect boundaries that are clear and consistent. Some people don't like the idea of giving limitations to their kids, but they need to understand that providing clear parameters that define what is appropriate and inappropriate give your child the opportunity to flourish and mature. Stick to what you say. If you threaten consequences for bad behavior, follow through. Stick to your word and don't break promises. Don't treat your child as an equal, but treat them with the same level of respect you'd give anyone, young or old.
I consider myself lucky. While my parents were raising my sister and I, they had a good understanding of these concepts and how to apply them in real life. As much as I feel I have my own understanding of how I’d like to apply these concepts with my own children, it means little until the time actually comes. And assuming I am given that chance someday, I hope to make the most of what I have learned and be a better father for it.
Case in point. Parent and 4-year old are bowling for 30 minutes. Nothing really stands out until the lane gets shut off at the end of the time, at which time the kid decides to start fake crying. I'm too far away to hear what the fuss is about, but right away the parent comes up and virtually pleads for us to give them an extra few minutes so the child can bowl 2 or 3 extra frames. Meanwhile the child has stopped fake crying and is intently watching the parent to see what comes next. I ask if they are trying to finish a certain game, and the parent says they aren't even keeping score, but he/she promised their child two last turns. At this point, I offer them another 15 minutes for $7, and generally they accept. Either way, the kid usually ends up fake-crying again, either at the end of the extra time or because they didn't get their way. The parent gets the kid to stop crying though, because after their apology doesn't work, promising they will go for ice cream instead does the trick.
This is just one example. Kids run around the alley like it's playground as their parents watch on. Kids run down the lanes almost to the pins before I get on the loudspeaker and yell for them to come back, the parents having not noticed because they were busy chatting amongst themselves. Parents trading in their child's bowling shoes 3 times, and then when I ask why they keep asking for the same size each time, they tell me the kid doesn't like the style of the other ones. I could go on and on.
There is just as much to notice about the good parents and children. I often see families in which the kids are polite and respectful, both to their parents and to us workers. They abide by the rules of their parents and the alley. They accept when their time is done and are happy because they had a great time. Their parents are content, relaxed, and happy. They appreciate what they are doing instead of trying to manipulate their parents into getting a little more of everything. I believe this comes from good parenting, mutual respect and a balance of control.
What’s most important here isn't the examples, it's the lessons to be learned…. Giving your child a treat (like going bowling) should be enough of a treat. Spoiling a kid makes them undisciplined and makes you miserable. Making them happy at all times will yield the opposite over time. Children respect boundaries that are clear and consistent. Some people don't like the idea of giving limitations to their kids, but they need to understand that providing clear parameters that define what is appropriate and inappropriate give your child the opportunity to flourish and mature. Stick to what you say. If you threaten consequences for bad behavior, follow through. Stick to your word and don't break promises. Don't treat your child as an equal, but treat them with the same level of respect you'd give anyone, young or old.
I consider myself lucky. While my parents were raising my sister and I, they had a good understanding of these concepts and how to apply them in real life. As much as I feel I have my own understanding of how I’d like to apply these concepts with my own children, it means little until the time actually comes. And assuming I am given that chance someday, I hope to make the most of what I have learned and be a better father for it.
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