The Battle for Control: Parents vs. Children

It's nearing six years that I've worked at the bowling alley. Over these six years, I've had the opportunity to see billions of children and billions of parents. Normally, I don’t usually making sweeping generalizations about people because I feel a large sample size is needed before you can make a credible judgment call about something as complex as human beings. That being said, it's safe for me to say based on all that I've seen at the alley that good parenting yields good kids, and bad parenting makes for children with issues. I've also noticed that you can tell what kind of parent someone is simply by watching them with their kid for 30 minutes in a bowling alley. And in most cases, it's usually a case of who controls whom, and when the parents are in control, how they keep that control. Of course, the balance of control in parent-child relationship isn't exactly a simple thing. However it usually takes about 2 seconds to notice who the "pack leader" is, and another second or two to digest how that person maintains their dominance.

Case in point. Parent and 4-year old are bowling for 30 minutes. Nothing really stands out until the lane gets shut off at the end of the time, at which time the kid decides to start fake crying. I'm too far away to hear what the fuss is about, but right away the parent comes up and virtually pleads for us to give them an extra few minutes so the child can bowl 2 or 3 extra frames. Meanwhile the child has stopped fake crying and is intently watching the parent to see what comes next. I ask if they are trying to finish a certain game, and the parent says they aren't even keeping score, but he/she promised their child two last turns. At this point, I offer them another 15 minutes for $7, and generally they accept. Either way, the kid usually ends up fake-crying again, either at the end of the extra time or because they didn't get their way. The parent gets the kid to stop crying though, because after their apology doesn't work, promising they will go for ice cream instead does the trick.

This is just one example. Kids run around the alley like it's playground as their parents watch on. Kids run down the lanes almost to the pins before I get on the loudspeaker and yell for them to come back, the parents having not noticed because they were busy chatting amongst themselves. Parents trading in their child's bowling shoes 3 times, and then when I ask why they keep asking for the same size each time, they tell me the kid doesn't like the style of the other ones. I could go on and on.

There is just as much to notice about the good parents and children. I often see families in which the kids are polite and respectful, both to their parents and to us workers. They abide by the rules of their parents and the alley. They accept when their time is done and are happy because they had a great time. Their parents are content, relaxed, and happy. They appreciate what they are doing instead of trying to manipulate their parents into getting a little more of everything. I believe this comes from good parenting, mutual respect and a balance of control.

What’s most important here isn't the examples, it's the lessons to be learned…. Giving your child a treat (like going bowling) should be enough of a treat. Spoiling a kid makes them undisciplined and makes you miserable. Making them happy at all times will yield the opposite over time. Children respect boundaries that are clear and consistent. Some people don't like the idea of giving limitations to their kids, but they need to understand that providing clear parameters that define what is appropriate and inappropriate give your child the opportunity to flourish and mature. Stick to what you say. If you threaten consequences for bad behavior, follow through. Stick to your word and don't break promises. Don't treat your child as an equal, but treat them with the same level of respect you'd give anyone, young or old.

I consider myself lucky. While my parents were raising my sister and I, they had a good understanding of these concepts and how to apply them in real life. As much as I feel I have my own understanding of how I’d like to apply these concepts with my own children, it means little until the time actually comes. And assuming I am given that chance someday, I hope to make the most of what I have learned and be a better father for it.